I'm not yet used to ...

... being anonymous again.

With no-one to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing.
Or the right thing.

That I get up too early.
Or work too much.
Or drink too much.
Or too little.

No-one to be horrified that I eat too much.
Or too little.
Or simply unusually large amounts of overcooked broccoli washed down by green and yellow and pink pills (or is that the other way round?).

Dying seems to be a big deal, only one thing I noticed? Is that the days still go one by one. It's permissible to go to sleep - at least for a while - at the end of them, and only one comes at a time.

When it is me dying, then what?
Will my choices still seem as reasonable as they do now?
Will the compromises seem cowardly? Or will the fear of compromise, the need to make the self-sacrificing choices too often, come to light as the cowardly motivator?


Dunno.
Just wondering.

Going away for 3 days tomorrow, to tropical Waiheke, kidding, whilst my ceilings paint themselves.
I hope.

Wishing away

Wishing away pain, annoyance, difficulty, anxiety, knots in the stomach, uncertainty -
no moment dis-exists because I don't wish to face it.

Each moment holds the promise of positive change.

For example, I might discover how to sit exams (a trick that's failing me so far).
Or how to best help my son feel good about himself, really deeply and solidly.
Or how to live without guilt in a world I can't fix.
Or whether that is a worthwhile objective.

Or I might finish something.
Or start something.
Or change another game.

Is embracing the hurting moments a ludicrous concept?

3 tests, 2 exams down, no papers written,1 exam to go.
Saturday afternoon June 25th.

Then ceilings painted and lights sorted.
And 3 days away.

And the new semester's stuff to sort.
1 test
2 essays
1 moot submission
2 new subjects
3 full-year subjects
1 paper
4 more exams
0 jobs
0 budgets to fight for
3 people to lead (me, Sophie, Alexander)
0 keynote speeches to give
No more uncertainty than normal
Loads of opportunity
?enough stamina?

Days

What are days for?
Days are where we live
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.

Philip Larkin

SoH

Sort of Humming
Sine over Hypotenuse
Sad or Happy
Sense of Humour

Having fun yet?
Sophie has exam results (pretty good, if I say so myself) and so does Alex (pretty mixed, if he says so himself) and I just have exams.

1 down yesterday - Public International Law, much loved and unfortunately done without honour when it came to the crunch. A 20 pointer. Silly topic to try to cover then learn in the space of 12 weeks.
Then a 15 pointer next week, International Human Rights Law.
Then a 10 pointer the week after, which I'm picking up nearly from scratch at study time, Privacy Law.

Which has a pile of aspects - information privacy, intrusion, disclosure, breach of confidence, appropriation of image, government interference with private decision-making (that's the only really interesting bit) ...

So this is the end of the commercial break, back to Rights and Liberties:
Life
Torture (Prohibition of)
Slavery and Forced Labour (Prohibition of)
Liberty and Security
Right to a Fair Trial
No Punishment without Law
Privacy
Thought, conscience and religion
Expression
Assembly and association
Marriage

Considered, practical, insightful.
Rich, aware, clear, anchored.

Have such a day.