Loss and renewal

"Change happens in an instant."  I keep wondering whether that is true.  Even if not, even if the instant marks the awareness of change rather than the change itself, that would be fine.  It would mean any single instant of the many ahead could be one where I find I've been positively transformed.  There! it is.  And again!

I have a lot of these moments - sweet, bright, welcome awarenesses that I am growing stronger.  Becoming more resilient.  Responsive and ready to help.

And then, I feel weighted down by my failings for a moment again.  Some things really sting.  Some hurts go on informing me for far longer than I'd rather.  Missteps of the past are done, part of mine and others' history - there's no going back to correct them.

Today, I've had a rich experience of sadness and the agony of possibilities long gone.  Triggered by my cookbooks, which record choices, failings, wishes and happenings with a richness that goes a way beyond a series of photos. I wish, though, anyway, that I had a photo of Gerald for every day of his last year.

Oh ...

Celebrating failure

Is celebrating a series of actions? Does it have to include a glad, grateful heart? I thought so.  Celebrating while experiencing a feeling of knock-down seems a hollow, possibly useful thing to do.  What is your fallback "celebration" activity?  My thoughts go to space, warmth, delicious tastes, other people feeling good. 

I can't control whether other people feel good, of course.   I can care about it; I can take practical action; I can listen.

Hollow.  Brittle.  Irritated.  Raw.  And yet I want to learn from failure (the lessons are not always obvious when the failure is new and public) - and I'd love to have a nother spin on failure that added some warmth to the harshness of the experience.  For me, and for others, there are plenty more failures to come.

It's an(other) important time for self-listening, self-validation and self-trust.   Nurturing is a stretch.  So stretch.  Check on my nurturing of others.  What does it feel like, look like, sound like? How do I make a difference?  Is this coming from a caring and open heart, and an understanding that people matter most?  Does that include myself?  ... my Mum is unwell.  She needs nurturing.  My daughter and son have exams.  Same.  People are seeing people being killed and tortured in Syria.  Same.  The horror.

A role to play, a game to learn, a life to live

Fortunately, this is an experiment. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what I'm trying to demonstrate. 

My boss once suggested he was expecting me to blog. That was news to me, possibly good news, only - he had suffocated and stifled my voice, treating it of no account, for too long. It had become a poor, thin excuse for a voice, a voice that wavered knowing the buzzards of judgment were pre-emptively swooping and beeping. Intermittently dis- and re-appearing, with effort. 

Still. Writing can be a good way to discover where I'm at. It clarifies muddle; it's fun to play with words. It feels like an opportunity; a tool and a school. 

I want to take people places they may not otherwise go. Ooh, la la, really? Why?

P S I'm discovering my new role over these next months.  It's been fun so far; I've felt well-received and I've enjoyed being recommended by friends, industry colleages and acquaintances. What I want is a matching excitement on both sides of the new partnership - me and my new boss. And a big but congenial role where I make things happen, and grow my effectiveness muscles through just the right amount of overuse.