After all

All includes quite a lot.

I got 2 B minus's in my exam results.
Which is a pretty poor grade.

And I got 3 As, pure straight As, not plus or minus.
Which I'm only slightly embarrassed to say I was thrilled with.

In Intellectual Property Law, the one I was least surprised about. For a paper:
"Protecting the Readable Machine" - is software protected by copyright law?

In Criminal Law, the one that was a great slog that paid off, thanks to my study partner, Stewart. Only not fair, Stew got an A-, whilst probably being more deserving of the A than I was.

And in International Economic Regulation, the one that amazed me. For a paper:
"Is the Doha Round resumable?" - and if not, why not, what are the alternatives, what should we do now, if so why so?

All of which resulted in an invitation to transfer to an Honours degree. Which I have done. Even minimally, it gets me a very interesting (I expect) seminar / discussion class next year. Which I hope to do in international law.

A happy result, at last ... I'm not sure it's sustainable.

And I had a major operation. Really.
2 days no food, being turned every 2 hours by 2 nurses, with a spinal block only partly working.
Eventually the nurse rang the anesthestist. He upped the morpheine dose, and came and injected me with ? which gave me a lovely break.

And 5 more days in hospital, pretty sick up till the last one, where suddenly I improved, ready to go home. Nice.

I've been home 6 days.
Yesterday my family came and organised a Christmas meal around me.
I lay on a sofa, had a sleep in my bed in the middle of the proceedings, and got a little bit happy on my pills (by accident, I was extra sore) for the evening. It all worked very well; I think I have given my thanks to all; and I'm in hock for next year. My turn, for sure, all things being equal.

I wouldn't like to predict the outcome of this op. If it isn't good, well ... I'll know what I have to work with.
If it is, well ... there is a range of "good" outomes.
The best outcome? Strong, healthy, not prevented from activity, bending, even vigourous activity, even some running.
I don't expect this - but I know it isn't out of the question. Ask Shane Bond.

Alex has continued to grow. He remains wary. Perhaps a little more trusting? Delivering pizza for Hell (Royal Oak) is a source of income and work experience that hopefully will continue after this holiday period. He got the job through his own strenuous efforts, walking round with a CV asking for work. Congratulations, Alex.

Sophie is spiky and soft, complex and direct, brilliant and sulky, all by turns.

I don't understand the "my children are my achievement" line. I can never claim to have made my children what they are.
I work every day, I think, to do the best by them. Sometimes that means putting my own oxygen mask on first.

Oh, wierd

Due to have major surgery on my back tomorrow morning, blood cross-matched for blood bank and all ...
But heard from the anaethestist half an hour ago or so ... about 9:45 pm ...
The surgeon's Dad is suddenly dying and he must fly to Christchurch so cannot operate tomorrow.

I'm not sure what this means: it either means a later or a much later date.
It might put finishing my law degree next year in doubt - I might not be able to go back for the beginning of Sem1.

Oh, I hope not! I've worked so very hard to get back in work after managing Gerald's illness and death, and to to explain yet another medical reason for delay and time out of the work force is just ugly.

So maybe I should not have the operation? Not have it yet?
Really? Oh, I hope not!

Unorganising arrangements for kids, cat, cleaning and whatever else I've forgotten.
Now what?

Probably gratitude.
For still being able to move around fine.
For still having a chance for the operation.
For having it paid for by insurance.
For having a lovely house to live in.
For having enough money for now.
For having a brain that works fine-ish.
For actually having children, albeit very upset ones.

What if

Stuff to do.
Not the right sort of stuff.
Grateful for some slower time.

Up early and working but no 'ems to at!

For a good life: all go, all stop, no in-betweens.
What would be wrong with that?
In-between feels vulnerable.

Sophie not well today, it's temporary.
Alex looking for work.

WritersDiet feedback sessions - the second today.
What do I want to do?

Ops and such

So yesterday I had preapproval for my $45,000 op - all except for $250!

The maximum cover for implants is $14,250, and mine costs $14,500.

On condition I help them try and recoup from ACC if the operation notes indicate this would be a good move.
Fine with me.

6th Dec is go.

Sophie

Sophie has won the Writing Prize at St Cuth's for year 10.

Congratulations to you, Sophie.

Take care with that gift, and keep on giving it - to others and to yourself.

Love

Mum

Gerald has died

Sunday 6th was a quiet day.

Tiny eddies of remembrance.
Warmth from some.
Flowers, calls, treats for children from those who will never forget.

Second to last day of the law school year for Lois.
Both children in exam mode.

A quivering edge of uncertainty. Again, still.
We are three.

Unbearably, lightly, being (Jan 26 2011)

Dancing - the skill and art of energy arbitrage.

Physically awkward, yet flexible, unexpected and delightful in his soul, Gerald was a dancer.
Where most of us plod, one measured, exhausted or excited step at a time - Gerald at his best spun and leapt, gathering others into the gusts and eddies of his energy.

"Plan when you can, dance if there's a chance."

The planning didn't get much of a look-in.
But there has rarely been such a dancer.

Gentle

A gentle moment.
No writing, just waiting, performance, and pressure.

Completed the entrepreneurship challenge - no prizes for WritersDiet, but possibilities remain. It has legs.
Good pitch. Great pitch coach. Believable business plan. Keen response to the idea.

Exams 5 days today. I'm dictating my exams (an emanuensis handwrites them to my instruction). That takes an extra 20 mins per hour, and I also have lying flat on back time (10 mins per hour): that means 5 hour long exams (minus 15 minutes).

No ACC, but operation finally scheduled (to be confirmed after insurance approval) for 6th December. On wait list for cancellations earlier.

1 week in hospital. Need to organise house springcleaned, windows inside and out, whilst in hospital.

Rugby, a big deal, a big opportunity, how to seize it? They ask themselves.
Alex exams 27 Oct-27 Nov. Sophie 8-11 Nov. Lois ->7 Nov.

A push-on moment. Finish the races. Feel a way through.

To think on

Big walking in the park.

Choosing clothes for a big day out.

Emails etc.

Peter Robertson at Mercy Specialist Centre.

Study group, criminal law and fiduciary duty.

Business meeting #1.

The political economy of trade in services.

Business meeting #2.

Helping Sophie with her cake and cleaning.

Helping Alex with his exam result thinking.

Now.

That was a plenty varied day, so far.

Peter Robertson, conservative surgeon that he is (judging from 4 separate reports) suggests the best way forward is
- a discectomy (removing disc bulge and tidy)
- + laminectomy (tidy up of messy spinal bits)
- + L4/L5 fusion (bone graft, screws, plates etc).
Which means about a week in hospital, followed by about a year's recovery. A (silly) alternative is to split into 2 lots, 2 procedures first and fusion after.

Maybe November? If ACC approval is straight-forward.

I had already (a few weeks ago) decided that if ... then.

If ...
... there was something that could be done (following the amitriptylene, spinal injections, physio, and time that have seen nothing other than more-or-less continuous pain, ever-reducing movement and severe deterioriation of the injured area)
then ...
... I would give it a go.

Suddenly I feel much better, it hardly even hurts any more.

Fast

So fast I don't feel like writing, what I write will be out of date by the time it's in print ;-)

So just a quick summary:

I’ve been dumped on from on high, I mean I’m being tested :-`
- I got my exam timetable on Friday.
Instead of 3 weeks to study for and sit the equivalent of 6 exams (3 double semester exams), I have a single week.

The exams are all in the first week of the exam schedule, with one day between each.
The first one is 6 days (or 5 ½, but who’s counting?) after the Friday at end-of-term when I hand in 17500 words for 2 different papers, each an exam’s worth (paper in lieu of exam).

So the harsh reality is – I’m full on till exams are done, see you afterward.
Weird but that seems to be the way of it.


And also -
http://www.spark.auckland.ac.nz/challenges/winners/2011/100kqualifiers
I am part of a group in the final of a business planning competition; we're starting up the business anyways, but a prize would be a great way to start ...


And also -
I will probably get a final decision on the recommendation regarding operating on my back as a last resort in my next consult with the surgeon Mon 5th 8 am.
I've had a consult and fresh MRIs and Xrays.
Peter Roberson wrote a VERY long and sympathetic letter (copied to me) to my doctors – it was also helpful to give the kids to read to give them a clue.

Peter Robertson is the surgeon – I don’t know anyone he has operated on but have 2 friends he refused to operate on – he is conservative.
Which gives me comfort either way.


Back to work.

Protecting the Readable Machine
- to what extent are the functions of a software program protected by copyright in NZ?

Doha as Dodo?
- are the talks resumable and if so on what basis?
- what are the main points of agreement and contention in Trade in Services, and Development, in the Doha round negotiations between WTO members and groupings of members?

Wise traitor

I just wrote to a friend / family member, then realised I had encapsulated a core concept of the times (I mean my little piece of reality)!

I'm at the stage where moving on seems traitorous, and staying in the same place seems foolish.
Well, exactly.
Can't help but agree with myself.

Resolution of the day, probably related to the fact that I am sick and can't see or hear comfortably, stuck inside my tired sore stuffed up head -
- I am going to take a couple of days out every month.
I've been doing it every 2 months.
It isn't enough.

Will I be brave enough to do it?
Dunno.

Why would I?
- I function far better with regular time-out from responsibility
- I get desperate without it
- I need to be on my own or with someone close to wind down. At all.
- I have found myself feeling desparate for non-exhausted moments without study and without children
- I recreate quite well
- I don't like spending so much time plodding and trying too hard

Why wouldn't I?
- It's hard to organise.
- I feel guilty about it.
- I am embarrased. Really. The practicalities may be manageable if I had the wiil. Or not.

I'm sorry, would you repeat that?

http://sophiwophi.blogspot.com/

I have to do this again.
Say - go there.
There is more work.
More works.

And some of it is - to me - outstanding.
At the very least, it is stunning -
- knock you sideways, insist on being read over again, sparkling, wrenching, wry and unfathomably mature stuff.

That's mothers for you.
But don't assume - take a look for yourself.

Slow

And not very sure.

Step.
Step.
Step.

Where is
Who is
Can I?

Sophie is sad. A little. She and me, big ups and downs, exhilarations and despairs. But I am more used to them.
Alex is on a a little roll.

The PPTA (the Teachers' Union) wants to give Gerald a posthumous award for services above and beyond.
And we've been invited to "Harbouring Ghosts" at Otahuhu College. With Gerald's music.

But I've / we've just started to move past ... I don't want to take the knock right now.
This degree ... sparked by Gerald's illness and need for care combined with inability to find work back in the small NZ market - it really is that small! ... is scary, some of the time.
And now the first semester with a chance to focus - I'm not sure I could manage being knocked over by another series of speeding waves of emotions and recover quickly enough.

Is there a part of me that manufactures the ability to keep going, to not give up, not give in - and to revel in that tense, peaked energy and pitch of effort, some of the time?
I need a new one. Or maybe it needs cleaning. Or plugging in.
It's still sort of working, but without the revelling.

I'm hoping they'll be able to postpone a little - the Teachers' Union, that is.
I am moved that they would wish to go to trouble and time to honour someone for no obvious reward - dead people don't contribute.

The drains are growing stuff.
I need to ask for help.
I have paid someone a lot of money to haircut and shave the grounds.
That was a good thing.

Validation.
One could look for it forever -
Unconventional must equal unsafe and therefore disliked, misunderstood, unencouraged, considered foolish and left alone - at least some of the time by some of the people, by definition. I think.

And that's a good thing. I think.

Putting the crap back in

A talent:

Cut the crap. Go for the guts.
Look them in the eyes and give it clear and straight.
Smiling. Non-threatening. No requirement for self-vindication.

A new approach, temporary so perhaps bearable:

State the obvious.
Include mind-numbing detail.
Be excessively humble, risk appearing servile.
Look them in the eyes and give it clear and straight.
Smiling. Non-threatening. No requirement for self-vindication.

Cos now I am a student again, and will be treated like one.
I am learning a new discipline; the focus is THERE, not on a wider bundle of strengths.

Behave well.

Kind of OK

I knew my back was bad, the Xray only confirmed that.
But included in the report was some great news: no new fractures.

No new fractures.
4 years and 3 months now since the last (right 3rd metatarsal, which followed right femur and both shins, which followed ... etc).

My lower back is attempting to fuse itself (complete loss of disc space and lower back curvature).
May save a surgeon some trouble.

See what he says on Aug 19th.

Recreation

Being away helped so much.

So much.

Really, a lot.

I feel hopeful.

Regeneration

What is that coarse, irritating thing?
It seems to be attached - no wait - it has loosened and fallen

Off.

Soft-skinned and vulnerable, now.
New callouses and thicker skin
only come from friction, reformation over wounding

Build-up over another season
'til strong becomes dessicated becomes separate
sloughed off ugly scaliness.

For now,
cradle the softness.
Be inspired by the glow.
love the intrigue,
test the fresh shape

Gently.

Again after yesterday

I had my (long-post-poned) appointment with Dr Chris Hanna yesterday.

Chris, a sports physician based at Adidas Sports Medicine, has known me for more than 10 years, supervising my first breaking up, non-healing, and operation. He saw me through the what-can-possibly-be-wrong-with-you-that-you-keep-falling-apart-for-no-good-reason period, got me to more specialists, onto Fosomax + pamindronate intra-venous infusions, and supervised several crutches-rehab cycles.

He referred me to the right person to start with in Sydney.

And (from afar) become aware that some odd and hard-to-detect but severe(-ish, my addition) form of osteoporosis discovered finally after a bone biopsy.

Heard that the 3-d bone scanning machine in Sydney was useful for discovering improvement (which I had) and that the Fosomax (which I had started anyway, clearly something was wrong!!) seemed to be doing considerable good.

And, back in NZ, tried to discover whether my apparently trauma-related (2 severe falls)
L5S1 disc-on-disc is a phantom newcomer issue or related to the other stuff.
Without any evidence decided unrelated.

So now is my man for both osteoporosis + the nasty back problem, sports and non-sports injuries alike ...
Background over, back to yesterday.

Back: we'ver tried everything. Rest, movement, corticosteroid spinal injections, Pilates, physio, pain-killers, strong and lots of them (they're good).
And especially time.
It has been 2 years, it's pretty conservative to wait that amount of time; here's the surgeon's phone number, here is the xray referral, here is your usual voltaren and tramadol script, please get new xrays, please call him.

Osteo: Obviously doing some running is helping a part of your physical condition (lack of mobility caused by the back problem). But it MIGHT be giving the ever-present ghosts of bad-Christmasses past a chance to do some nasty.
MIGHT. Something doesn't look/feel good (pelvis, a part of it I haven't fractured before). Here is the xray referral. Please get xrays and come back to see me.
BUT MAYBE IT'S OK.

AND IF SO, maybe you can try for a half-marathon in November.
Yep.
AND IF NOT ... well, we'll talk about that.

Have had xrays.
Have appointment Monday with Chris.
Have appointment Aug 19th with Peter Robertson (surgeon).

Mixed news.

Effective

OK.

So I went to see Khylee.
After sending her my typed test script, as proposed to her last Monday.
For discussion as to why my test result was 64/100 (C+).
When I thought I had the basic hang of it.
As per last blog entry.
It worked.

Result!1: Mark now B+.
Confirmation that structure is excellent, clear and concise.

Result!2: I DID/DO "get it".
Close examination reveals that a little more detail and some stating of the obvious (never assume) ought to get me to at least an A- result in the course (ha, we'll see).

Result!3: Learning: prepare to dictate / retype all my exams and tests - and query them if the results look really wrong.

First encouragement in quite a while, actually, law-school-wise.

Much smiling, dancing in my head, looking forward to wearing my very very nice black stiletto boots on Friday night.
Extra-long-standing-much-forgiving friend Susan and me. See what we do.

Effectiveness

A bit of a theme, for me.

Focus.
Streamlining.
Agility.

Energy, a sense of urgency, determination and drive.
Accompanied by constant redirection, asking the right questions on the move.
Is this working?
What would make a difference?
Why am I doing this?

To act with great speed requires NOT frenzied activity, but rather careful preparation allied with a sense of urgency.
(Source: Mark McNeilly's take on Sun Tzu's strategic writings.)

One of my very useful corporate-world learnings and teachings (I would love to think it got passed on) which holds true now.

There are ways it can go wrong, though, and I'm thinking of the direction issue right now. No point in scaling mountains that can be avoided - better to use the energy for real gain, real re-creation, or to help another along the path.

A little stuck with this at uni ...

Off to visit my crimLaw lecturer now.
Was my test result crap because
a) it was illegible therefore unmarkable?
b) because it was a crap answer?
c) because we have fundamentally different approaches and I will never achieve a good mark with this lecturer/marker?
d) because of some basic issues and errors that are easily correctible?
e) etc

Mmmmm, wondering, and hoping for some enlightenment in 15 minutes.

Visited Alex's teachers yesterday, but that's a different (encouraging but with requirement for action) story.

Sophie said

"There is a part of me that is screaming for you to come back
and a part of me that is passive
smiling, even
while you drift away."

She said more, actually -
http://sophiwophi.blogspot.com -

But that was what I have been wanting to say for ages and not sure how.
That was how.

I have my mojo back.
(some of it, I mean)

I had 3 days away on Waiheke. In a unit where I could see over the sea to the beyond, and the sun going down, and the sun coming up again.

I walked a lot in a light was crystalline for 2 whole days - the edges of things etched against the sky.
A present from God, and the sadnesses, all the different ones, came and went with their own rhythm.

Child Gerald and his good friend Lois came here, nearly 29 years ago, just after getting married.

But the Wai Kitchen at Oneroa, broad-bean fritters with fried halloumi, soft goats' cheese and chives, micro-greens and a glass of Man-o-War Waiheke chardonnay weren't around then.

Truly, it is a good place to eat, though un-cheap.

(actually, Gerald may have found the portion too small, the beans too scary, and the speed at which I eat rather too slow. But he would have been entertaining, warm, enthusiastic about trying something new, and glad I had no qualms about spending the money.)

Sophie said it.

I'm not yet used to ...

... being anonymous again.

With no-one to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing.
Or the right thing.

That I get up too early.
Or work too much.
Or drink too much.
Or too little.

No-one to be horrified that I eat too much.
Or too little.
Or simply unusually large amounts of overcooked broccoli washed down by green and yellow and pink pills (or is that the other way round?).

Dying seems to be a big deal, only one thing I noticed? Is that the days still go one by one. It's permissible to go to sleep - at least for a while - at the end of them, and only one comes at a time.

When it is me dying, then what?
Will my choices still seem as reasonable as they do now?
Will the compromises seem cowardly? Or will the fear of compromise, the need to make the self-sacrificing choices too often, come to light as the cowardly motivator?


Dunno.
Just wondering.

Going away for 3 days tomorrow, to tropical Waiheke, kidding, whilst my ceilings paint themselves.
I hope.

Wishing away

Wishing away pain, annoyance, difficulty, anxiety, knots in the stomach, uncertainty -
no moment dis-exists because I don't wish to face it.

Each moment holds the promise of positive change.

For example, I might discover how to sit exams (a trick that's failing me so far).
Or how to best help my son feel good about himself, really deeply and solidly.
Or how to live without guilt in a world I can't fix.
Or whether that is a worthwhile objective.

Or I might finish something.
Or start something.
Or change another game.

Is embracing the hurting moments a ludicrous concept?

3 tests, 2 exams down, no papers written,1 exam to go.
Saturday afternoon June 25th.

Then ceilings painted and lights sorted.
And 3 days away.

And the new semester's stuff to sort.
1 test
2 essays
1 moot submission
2 new subjects
3 full-year subjects
1 paper
4 more exams
0 jobs
0 budgets to fight for
3 people to lead (me, Sophie, Alexander)
0 keynote speeches to give
No more uncertainty than normal
Loads of opportunity
?enough stamina?

Days

What are days for?
Days are where we live
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.

Philip Larkin

SoH

Sort of Humming
Sine over Hypotenuse
Sad or Happy
Sense of Humour

Having fun yet?
Sophie has exam results (pretty good, if I say so myself) and so does Alex (pretty mixed, if he says so himself) and I just have exams.

1 down yesterday - Public International Law, much loved and unfortunately done without honour when it came to the crunch. A 20 pointer. Silly topic to try to cover then learn in the space of 12 weeks.
Then a 15 pointer next week, International Human Rights Law.
Then a 10 pointer the week after, which I'm picking up nearly from scratch at study time, Privacy Law.

Which has a pile of aspects - information privacy, intrusion, disclosure, breach of confidence, appropriation of image, government interference with private decision-making (that's the only really interesting bit) ...

So this is the end of the commercial break, back to Rights and Liberties:
Life
Torture (Prohibition of)
Slavery and Forced Labour (Prohibition of)
Liberty and Security
Right to a Fair Trial
No Punishment without Law
Privacy
Thought, conscience and religion
Expression
Assembly and association
Marriage

Considered, practical, insightful.
Rich, aware, clear, anchored.

Have such a day.

Ages

Agest past, ages future, ages in between writing but plenty of thinking.

About the reasons for the rules.

On a lot of fronts.

We are so happy when we "know the rules".
We feel "in the club", grounded, settled, able to choose within bounds.

Asking why they are the rules is a hiding to nothing, a quick route to an unquiet life, a quest rather than a question.

So be it.

Everybody knows

Disappointments are part of the equation of opportunities.
Without an opportunity I guess there are few disappointments?

So I have no summer job, which is sad, but not sadder or saddest.
I so hate not being picked / chosen / included / read other words of approval by another in here!

Well, maybe not so hate.
Dislike intensely?
Take a moment or three to get over?

Reflect on at length?

It was good to get a look-in at the corporate end of lawyering, information is always useful.
Could come in handy next year.
Could confirm what I want / don't want / will put up with, sometime.

I would have liked the pressure to lessen - pressure for results right now, which is proving a tricky challenge.

Though I got (I think) great help from one lecturer I trusted enough to ask for extra help on the exam question part of things.

Summarised as (again, I think)
- "answer the question" and
- "know the details" and
- "be straightforward" and
- "there is a place for your metathinking even here - it's as a little statement at the end which shows you understand how all the detail makes a principled contribution to the context".

So attempts taking place at
- learning the detail (but that's what monkeys or computers are for?)
- making straightforward statements that don't hedge my bets
- making it easier for the examiners

*%):, stress already.
Now more of the same ...

Hope y'all having fun as well.

Spin it another way

Spin it another way
Put another spin on it
Would you like to go for a spin?
An other spin?

Surprised by life, by Gerald, by joy
SurprisedLaughter
Better and better
Towards the red hat
The purple dress

I have the red dresses
Perhaps I need the purple hat.

You are so random, Mum.
You know me too well.
You make me laugh.

I hope so.